Friday, 18 February 2011

DAY 2.

Second day of actually DAILY blogging, even if I do do it in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
Atleast it's writing, and it's more than I can say for 99.9% of my classmates at uni are doing. When people/students say they want to write, they want to be writers...why don't they do this?
It's writing isn't it?
It's just not 'real' writing. When really, it should be classed as 'real'.
It's satisfying pressing the 'publish post' button. As if you've just accomplished something, as if you've just written an article and it's just been published.
What a feeling that must be.

So uni seems to be the wrong path for me at the moment, and I'd love to be discovered for doing something that I love out of the blue, without having the work hard for it. Which is a silly concept - but it most definitely happens.
However, I don't seem to have anything that I love to do.
I love to write, but only, it seems, about myself. And my pathetic problems.
Maybe there's a career out there for me where I can incorporate these 'skills'!? Ha!

Watched The Social Network tonight, it really is worth watching, I figured I should watch it when it kept receiving all of those Golden Globes! So tonight, I did just that. It's so interesting to watch a movie and actually LEARN something  new. How Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook and how it's grown in such little time. It's astounding and actually beautiful to watch (mainly because of Andrew Garfield! -- yes, the new Spiderman.) I'm a tad obsessed with him already.
But what's weird about the film is as soon as I finished watching it, I logged into Facebook. Which I do every night, but after watching that film I became suddenly very aware of what I was doing. Haha, sounds weird but it's true. Watch it and see if it has the same effect on you!

Yours, A.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

I Need Something...

Have you ever had that feeling...longing...for something...but you don't actually know what that something is?
Because right now, I need something, but the thing is, I think I know what it is. Even though it's not good for me.
I'm having trouble placing my life into perspective here.
And it's hard to think about anything but my messy life.

I feel like a proper old crone, sat in my room at home, listening to Michael Buble and feeling completely broken.
It's an odd feeling that I'm coming to experience way too many times for my liking.
I've realised that I havn't kept my promise of daily blogging, I'm ridiculous.
But I suppose I've got nothing keeping me readers...? Ha.
But needless to say it's still here when I need to write, and right now...I need to write. No idea what but oh well.

Have you ever felt content in your life? I hate the word CONTENT.
Why would you want to feel 'content'? Surely you want to be more than content. Content says to me that a person is just plodding along...content, happy, yes. But not overjoyed, satisfyed and amazing. I'd rather feel the latter.
I'd rather feel how I feel right now instead of 'content'. Because content is realising there's something missing to make your life that extra bit 'content' I'd rather it was amazing.
I'm definitely waffling and have probably just broken the record for how many times someone can say 'content' in a blogpost.

So I came home from uni last night. Feeling completley deflated and like I don't even want to be there anymore. I know some people will say something like 'everyone has days like those' but surely 'those days' shouldn't come around as often as they have for me?
I need that driving focus to keep me there, because right now, nothing is there. Nothing is making me want to go back there on Sunday evening, and I feel bad for saying it because I've met so many amazing people there. I just can't help constantly thinking it's not for me.
I wonder if I'd actually been productive in my gap year, things would be different now?

There's one person I want to talk to about all of this, just so I can get his reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, then that would be the driving force keeping me focused and where I should be.
But no, I feel like I can't speak to him, and it's ridiculous.
If you feel like you love someone, even if it's over, do you think it's right to tell them how you're feeling? Even if it does give him a 'headfuck'. I'm sat here thinking about him every day. And I can't say anything. Surely that's the bigger headfuck.