Have you ever had that feeling...longing...for something...but you don't actually know what that something is?
Because right now, I need something, but the thing is, I think I know what it is. Even though it's not good for me.
I'm having trouble placing my life into perspective here.
And it's hard to think about anything but my messy life.
I feel like a proper old crone, sat in my room at home, listening to Michael Buble and feeling completely broken.
It's an odd feeling that I'm coming to experience way too many times for my liking.
I've realised that I havn't kept my promise of daily blogging, I'm ridiculous.
But I suppose I've got nothing keeping me here...no readers...? Ha.
But needless to say it's still here when I need to write, and right now...I need to write. No idea what but oh well.
Have you ever felt content in your life? I hate the word CONTENT.
Why would you want to feel 'content'? Surely you want to be more than content. Content says to me that a person is just plodding along...content, happy, yes. But not overjoyed, satisfyed and amazing. I'd rather feel the latter.
I'd rather feel how I feel right now instead of 'content'. Because content is realising there's something missing to make your life that extra bit 'content' I'd rather it was amazing.
I'm definitely waffling and have probably just broken the record for how many times someone can say 'content' in a blogpost.
So I came home from uni last night. Feeling completley deflated and like I don't even want to be there anymore. I know some people will say something like 'everyone has days like those' but surely 'those days' shouldn't come around as often as they have for me?
I need that driving focus to keep me there, because right now, nothing is there. Nothing is making me want to go back there on Sunday evening, and I feel bad for saying it because I've met so many amazing people there. I just can't help constantly thinking it's not for me.
I wonder if I'd actually been productive in my gap year, things would be different now?
There's one person I want to talk to about all of this, just so I can get his reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, then that would be the driving force keeping me focused and where I should be.
But no, I feel like I can't speak to him, and it's ridiculous.
If you feel like you love someone, even if it's over, do you think it's right to tell them how you're feeling? Even if it does give him a 'headfuck'. I'm sat here thinking about him every day. And I can't say anything. Surely that's the bigger headfuck.