Echo...

Haha my last post is so dark, please ignore it and let's move on.

I must have been in a bit of a dark place that night, I assure you that that is oooooooover.

Just had a slap in the face and felt sick for a couple of minutes and then I was like...I must blog.

Haha, weird feeling that. And weird that I actually went with my feelings for once and here I am, blogging. 

So yeah the thing was music man is going on a date on wednesday, and he felt the need to tell me. I'm not sure why? Maybe you could answer that for me.

But yeah all I said was 'cool'...what is he expecting? Bloody weird.

It's okay. 

It just made me feel sick for the best part of 2 minutes. 

And also made me want to write, so maybe it's a good thing? I have absolutely no idea...that's why I'm babbling. 

Sooo today has been so boring. I'm driving myself mad still being at home and still have a few more weeks.

I'll survive I'm sure.

So funny today, my cousin and her daughter came round to pick something up and her daughter, I'll call her princessface. Haha, because she really is a princess.

And well, princessface had decided to cut her own hair (she's 4).

So funny, I didn't even realise it at first because she has really curly hair, like ringlets, and it was just slightly shorter at the front. So when I asked her why she did it, she told me it was because she liked it shorter haha. 

Her mum (my cousin) an absolute nutter, was distraught haha. Could not stop laughing - bless her.  <3

It reminded me of when I was younger with one of my mum's friend's daughters. We decided to cut each other's hair. We were a right state, needless to say our mother's adored us for it. Naturally. Haha.

We got talking about old movies too, like movies you used to adore as a little girl.

Mine was always Curly Sue. I used to cry at the end and want to watch it again straight after it had ended. 

Still love it to this day. If you havn't seen it - do it now.

This mindless blogged has helped me to take my mind off music man.

Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu blogger. 

x

The Scientist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WecwpAwMPIw&feature=related

It's 3:41am...

& I can't sleep, at all. I'm giving myself a headache, and getting disgusting skin because I'm so sleep deprived.

Still can't seem to sleep though. Not until a ridiculous hour, and then I waste half the day. And for the other half of the day I feel like shit.

All because I'm led here, staring at my screen and Music Man's online.

And I can't bring myself to even speak to him.

But all I can do is think about him.

And I want to tell him everything, anything. Just to talk to him.

Now I feel sick.

Night.

x

Run...

I'm laughing at myself, thought I had 1 follower, then just realised it was myself. GREEEAAAT. ;)

Anyway, this is what I'm listening to right now; http://www.youtube.com/user/getmered#p/u/0/1vO2ex8AMuM

She is amazing, but hasn't done any recent youtube videos, sob sob. But oh well, hopefully soon.

I'm being good today, blogging n' all! Shay Carl will remind me to blog every day...because I watch his videos everyday haha. He just recieved his Christmas bonus from youtube...a macbook air. How amazing is that? I'm tres jealous.

What a lucky lucky man.

Do you think it's fair that the music man has officially ended it with me but still proceeds to talk to me as if we are still 'together?' I don't get it. He's a headfuck, but I'm trying my hardest to ignore it.

Anyway, enough of him.

My best friend saw this guy I used to be really good friends with in town today. That's a complicated sentence to understand.

He was basically one of my best guy-mates but I didn't see him very often...I'll call him Pokeman. ;) See what I did there? Yeah he likes pokemon, that's why. 

He used to go to university near where I live and I met him a few times for drinks and lunch but nothing came of it, we were just really good friends. The kind of friends that tell anything to each other and trust each other with anything. I was pretty lucky to have him, I thought. 

But anyway, I'll try and cut this short because it's a horrid story, but it started when he got kicked out of uni in his second year for bad results, so had to move back home to Lincolnshire. 

He then got a girlfriend in Bath so came to visit occasionally but I could never see him.

His girlfriend then became aware of our friendship and was really wary of me. She seemed a bit crazy if you ask me...but I'm not on the right side of her to see what she is really like if you see what I mean. 

She prevented him from speaking to me, he even deleted me from Facebook. But I didn't notice this for a while, when I did I asked him all about it and he told me the truth. I was soo gutted. But he said he missed me and we could just chat without her knowing. 

But I still felt odd about it.

Then whilst I was at uni he arranged to come and see me after he had seen her in Bath. I didn't say no because after all, I did want to see him! 

I just felt a bit bad because his girlfriend had absolutely no idea.

But anyway, he came, and it was really amazing to see him again and to catch up properly. Although he was telling me odd things about how he thought him and his girlfriend were close to breaking up etc. 

Stupidly, we got a bit drunk but then he had to catch his train so it was a slight relief.

(I've just realised I can't tell a story and make it short, useless! Ah well)

ANYYYWAYYY.

He was drunk, I was sliiightly tipsy and he kept hugging me and holding my hand. I didn't mind, I just thought it was friendly. Until he tried to kiss me. I very nearly went to kiss him back but didn't. I had the instant thought of his girlfriend (who already obviously hated my guts) and couldn't do it, and couldn't let him do it, because I knew he would regret it. 

So I stopped him, but it was okay, it wasn't awkward and he left after giving me a kiss on the head.

To be honest, I was happy for him to go and felt relieved nothing had happened.

That night there was a bit of trouble with trains and he missed his one home so had to stay over mine the night but that's just a small minor detail, nothing happened, he slept on my floor and left as soon as he woke up. It was slightly odd. 

Anyway, after his girlfriend not knowing anything, she read his twitter for the first time. And found out he had come to visit me, and had written he loved me etc (nothing serious, just friendly). 

She took it the completely wrong way (apparently) and had a go at him. But in the end gave in and said it was okay...suppose she was scared of losing him? I don't know.

But eventually it came down to me being home at the same time he was visiting his girlfriend for her birthday.

I was going out for my friend's birthday in the same town he was going out.

He found out I was going out and told me that he was too. I got excited that I'd be able to see him until he told me he would 'probably have to ignore me' if he saw me out because he would be with his girlfriend.

I was so gutted, I had a full on strop and screamed/texted him how I felt about it all. That it was shit basically. Shit that he had to 'ignore' me because of his screwed up jealous girlfriend. 

& shit that he would even think of doing that to me.

So after that, we didn't speak and still havn't spoken. And that was in July.

A few weeks after I had an email from his girlfriend, I couldn't believe the cheek of it...

It was her basically asking me if me and Pokeman had ever been more than just good friends. She had already asked him and he had told her the truth but she still had to ask me. I couldn't believe it, I felt sick when I read it but didn't reply. I was not going to give her the satisfaction. 

About 5 minutes later I recieved another email saying that the previous email had been a mistake and to just ignore it.

How the hell could I ignore something like that?

I was fuming, and so tempted to tell him what she had sent me. But I didn't.

I just left it, and that's the last I heard from them. 

It's ridiculous.

Their relationship is ridiculous if she is that insecure.

Also, ever since she started reading his twitter, in every tweet he'll say he loves her. It's pathetic. 

Never have the words 'man up' been more appropriate. 

There you go, another pointless story. 

x

I'd Like To Get To Know You Baby...

Merry Christmas...no one :) 

I still love writing this even though no one is reading it, although it would be nice to have a few anon readers who don't know me and vice versa. But the difficult thing is, I have absolutely no idea how to 'advertise' my blog to get some interest in what I am writing.

I'm not sure if it would be appreciated by any one or offer any one some comfort or empathisism. 

(If that's a word) 

I'm at home for Christmas at the moment and going completely insane. I havn't got a job over the holidays and havn't been able to get any where because of the snow and seeing family so cabin fever is kicking in!

I thought maybe writing on this every day from now on can be my small release from the house and the family secretly driving me crazy. You know what I mean!

I've been keeping myself busy with Grey's Anatomy and plenty of films. But Grey's is my main release.

It's amazing how emotionally involved you can become by just watching a television programme. I was the same with Brothers and Sisters. It's very odd. But if you watch it, you will probably know what I mean.

It's a huuuuge emotional rollarcoaster and I absolutely looooove it. I fully recommend it, I've been watching it from the first series online for like a year haha! But it's so worth it. I'm on the 6th series and watch atleast 2 episodes every night. Sad I know! But oh well, it's my love. 

So New Years is coming up and I'm thinking of New Years resolutions...

My number one resolution would obviously be blogging my often, maybe every day!

I've been watching a vlog by Shay Carl and 'The Shaytards' and it's so amazing and hooks you immediately, and he finds time in his day to film him and his family and upload it to youtube for his followers. So I'm thinking it must be even easier to write a few paragraphs every day and upload it for no one ;). So I will try my hardest!

Another resolution is to lose weight, I think I secretly promise myself this every single year, and never keep my own promise. So this year, I will share my weight loss on this blog. Just so I can see myself how far I can actually get and try to succeed! We'll see... fingers crossed.

Another resolution is to take my university work more seriously. I havn't been pushing myself and trying hard enough to succeed to get the grades that I need to move into the 3rd year of my degree. So I pledge to push myself harder and get the grade I deserve. 

Now this last one is odd, and I've been leaning more towards it over the past few weeks, and it's to find somebody to love. I even feel like a prick typing it, but I feel like I really need someone in my life that isn't a friend or family member. I need someone special in my life that I can tell absolutely anything to, and someone that I want to spend every waking minute with. It's odd to try and make a promise to myself that I will find somebody. Because obviously you can't push yourself to find that one person. But I want to atleast put myself out there to try and meet somebody that could potentially be important to me. It's also hard to think about because I'm one of those people that think's there is somebody out there for everybody, and everyone will eventually meet 'The One'. But I want this year to be my year. And I want to look back on this blog and believe I achieved everything I set out to do. Even if some of them don't go to plan.

So I guess we will see what 2011 will bring... 

x

Music Man...

So it's been another stupid amount of time since I've blogged...again...I'm really shit at this hah.

But here we go again. I thought of a name for the guy I described in my last blog, Music Man.

So if he's ever mentioned again (which I'm sure he will be) he will be called Music Man, so you (no one) will know who the hell I am talking about.

When other 'characters' come into my blogs I will also give them fake nick names to relate to them rather than using their real names.

Just so there's a tiny bit of mystery as to who I am and who I am actually talking about, even if it is all real.

x

To Lose My Life

Weird that this song is playing just as I am about to post to blogger...it's a song that will always always allllways remind me of someone, well, a guy. A really special guy. That I've actually never met, which is still weird to say.

He's probably one of the few people that actually mean the world to me. Our whole relationship has been a massive rollercoaster... 

We started talking on myspace (can you believe it) a few years back, and I didn't think anything of it at the time...because...well, because it was myspace of course! Hah. 

At first, it was amazing and we spoke ALL the time, and I mean all the time, online, texting and then I would be the one to call him nearly every single night, and we'd just talk for hours and never run out of anything to say, and maybe the odd moment when we'd go quiet, he'd start to play guitar, and I honestly could of listened to it for hours.

I hate writing in past tense about guys, it's so depressing and unmeaningful, if thats even a word!

So yesss...where was I?

We spoke for hours and hours, day after day, and never got bored of each other. It seemed too good to be true seeing as he only lived 20 minutes down the road, and I could of gone to see him whenever I liked.

So, one day, we arranged to meet. I'm not going to lie here, I was terrified.

I've met a few guys from the internet and actually had relationships with them (back in the myspace emo days) but this seemed to mean more, and seemed to make more sense than ever before, and that scared the living crap out of me.

The problem was I was really falling for this guy, and he was telling me that he had fallen for me.

And here's me, being so stupid, and doing something that I would always go on to regret.

For a couple of weeks we were set on meeting up in Swindon (where he lived) and everytime we spoke about it I got more and more excited, but as soon as it drew closer I started to become nervous, and anxious about everything.

Going round in my head were thoughts of; he's not going to like me in person, I'm not going to like him, it's not going to be the same as it has been over the phone or online, what if he doesn't turn up? What if he DOES genuinely like me? The last thought was probably the scariest. And I still have no idea why.

It's a weird concept in my mind that a guy would ever like me, and would ever want to be with me.

Don't get me wrong, I've had boyfriends before, but they've never meant as much as I think they should...if you see what I mean?

So you're with me?

I was petrified basically.

And me, being me, I followed my head instead of my heart and told him I couldn't meet up with him, I made up some wretched excuse and apologised prefusely and in the end he gave up trying to convince me. 

Wow that was long-winded.

Even though I did bail on him, he still kept in contact with me...and we spoke everyday, nothing changed. Then came around when he asked me to meet again. And I dreaded it, because I still had the same feelings in my head. And I couldn't ever just admit my feelings to him, even though by this time, I had told a guy I'd never met that I loved him, and I meant it.

I said I would meet him again, god knows why, it was a stupid idea. Because, yet again, I didn't go through with it, I felt sick to my stomach with what I was doing to him. He was so hurt and upset and this time I knew I had fucked everything up. He wasn't going to budge and I couldn't prove myself to him. He needed the truth and I still couldn't give it to him, so I had to make something else up to provide an excuse for him... 

He couldn't take anymore, and I knew exactly why, I would of been exactly the same. 

A few weeks past and we didn't speak, I felt so lost without him, like a piece of me was missing, that sounds incredibly cheesy but it's true, and I'd admit that part.

It was during the summer, and all I saw all over his facebook was that he was going out, getting wasted, and doing nothing else. With Reading festival coming up, I was really worried..when one night, (at Reading) I had a text from him, telling me he would always love me. When the weekend was over I plucked up the courage to call him and try to talk. He spoke, but he was in another world, he told me about how he had been to loads of house parties, got completely wrecked, tryed cocaine, and just sat there...swaying. I was so shocked, he had never really spoken to me about him using drugs or even drinking that much. So when he told me I couldn't even speak. But when I could, I basically screamed down the phone, telling him off.

I was so scared he was going to do it again, he apologised and said it was everything with us that drove him to it. I still don't believe him. 

After another few weeks of talking constantly again, he seemed to be back to his normal, sane self. And we were enjoying eachothers chats again. Then we decided to meet, and this time I was ready. I wasn't going to fuck everything up for us again. He had told me this was our last chance. I was detirmined to meet him, and see what we had with each other. Only this time, there was a real emergency and I couldn't make it.

Obviously, for him, it was like the boy that cried fox. 

I was heartbroken, and inconsolable that I couldn't meet him, and trying to explain to him was impossible. He had no idea what was really going on and couldn't take my word for it. So once again we were back to that dark place.

All I can really remember after that, was him getting the sack from his job, going on the dol, being severely depressed, then deciding to move to Norfolk with his Mum. I was gutted. Even though we weren't speaking, and he had deleted my facebook, my number, everything. I still checked on his facebook every so often. I told him I deleted his number too, but I didn't.

Then another detail I remember is him seeing some girl called Katie. It makes me feel sick even talking about it now, this is when he decided to add me back to facebook.

Told me he never loved me, and just said it because he felt like he should say it back. When I corrected him and told him he was the first to say 'I love you.'

I'd never felt so low, his words were soooo cutting, and I didn't think I felt anything for him anymore. 

Not so much, until I knew about Katie.

I was heartbroken...that's all there is to it.

If he spoke to me on facebook I knew he would try and get Katie into the conversation somehow, just to make me feel more shit than I did already. He was spiteful like that, and it was humiliating.

A few months passed by and it carried on, but I just decided to ignore it and get on with Uni. 

After not hearing from him for a while, he popped up on facebook chat and decided to tell me he missed me.

The words I'd been wanting to hear for months...but decided not to take it to heart and be as cold with him as he was to me.

But...I'll just say he's always going to have a place in my heart and we went back to the way we used to.

Now, however, after everything, he's settled in Norfolk, in a band, at college, and loving it.

And I couldn't be happier for him, but we seem to have run out of things to say. 

It's horrendous even thinking about not having him in my life, even if he is an arrogant, miserable prick most of the time. 

I love him, and sometimes you just can't help who you fall for. 

Right now, we're 'on a break'...his decision, but my only words were...'why are we on a break? we hardly speak anyway'

I guess we both need to figure out what we want.

But I still want to meet him, and get to know the real Music Man.

x

Your Song

Blargh.

One word for how I'm feeling, blargh because I said I would try and write in this blog everyday. Something to keep me going, and something I could actually complete every day.

And I can't even do that?!

I can't even take the time out of my (not so) busy lifestyle so sit at my laptop and write shit about what has happened to me in the last 24 hours, hah. Really...fuck my life.

Blargh because I'm at home for the weekend from Uni and don't want to go back.

Blargh because uni is starting to hack me off.

Blargh because my housemates are starting to hack me off.

Thank god no one reads these because no one actually knows any of this. ha.

Is it bad that I feel like I can't talk to any one about this? I had a drunken heart to heart with my housemate but he doesn't get it. I blubbed for hours, probably because I was fucked. But it doesn't matter, because the truth came out, and that was that. Nothing happened, nothing changed.

The only time I love uni is when I go out...or when I'm with the people that aren't my housemates, weird huh?

When it's just us 5 in our house, they annoy me. And I feel like I need to go and sit in my room, on my own and just chillax incase I shout at one of them for being annoying.

Ughhh, everything is coming out now hah.

I've come home the last couple of weekends because of all of it, I've made up excuses to come back like I said I would go to see Harry Potter with my cousin this weekend, which I did...but still...I think I  would have come home anyway, just to get away from it all.

Apparently this is the time of year that students either decide to stay or leave university. And I am inconsolably torn, I never thought it would happen to me. When I'm there, I love it. But sometimes there are obvious tensions and I really cannot be bothered with it. I also have times where I think that I can't cope with the workload, and it's really not for me. But what can I do?

I'm going to stick it out. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my Mum I'm having troubles...let alone tell her that I think I'm going to drop out. She'd be heartbroken. She loves gloating to her friends that I'm at university and I fend for my funds and everything myself etc. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I really love! And I'd miss my Mum and Dad being proud of me. It's a really nice feeling, it would be for anyone.

It's just coming home feels amazing right now, probably because this term is so long, and you don't get a break from anything. Also working with about 328947394 different groups for different modules is so draining and confusing sometimes.

I sound like such a bloody moaner.

And I hate that, probably why I'm moaning here instead of actually to people's faces.

It feels better to type it all out though, bit of a weight off my shoulders knowing I'm actually coming face-to-face with what I'm feeling rather than trying to hide it ALL the time.

I'm so set on Christmas right now, that's all I'm aiming for, waiting to finish this term in a few weeks and come home for an amazing Christmas with the family.

PERRRFECT.

But until then I'm just going to struggle through, because that's what you do when you have a problem isn't it?

You power through, and carry on.

'Keep Calm & Carry On'

Maybe I should just remember that quote from now on and it will get me through til the end of this year.

Thankyou blogger for letting me vent.