DAY 3.

So what if I havn't been blogging daily? Hahaaaa. There's nothing or no one to keep me here and it's my decision when I decide to blog...right?!

Ok good. Now we're through with that... ahah.

 

I had another blog...about a year ago that I don't use anymore, and I actually have followers on that one because my friend promoted it for me, but I don't want to followers I had on that blog to be reading this blog...because some of them are my close friends, and it sounds weird, but some of the stuff I write on here, they don't even know about. And I don't really want them to know about, because they either HATE music man or don't know about him. So it's just not a good idea all in all. 

If they found out I still had really strong feelings about him they'd just tell me the same thing, to forget about him and move on. etc etc etc. I'm sure you know what I mean.

And I know my friends have my best interests at heart, of course. But you can't help the way you feel, and some people just don't get that.

So this is basically asking...should I tell them how I'm really feeling? Would they actually give me any reasonable advice without going off on one about how much of a dick he is?. Probably not, because they're my friends, and that's what friends do, they protect you.

I was tempted to write a massive blog post on my old blog about what's happening and how I'm feeling, and asking people that knew me personally to never ask me about what the blog was about, or who it was about, but then I just realised how awkward it would be between me and my friends if I actually had done that and didn't tell any of them the true meaning behind it.

I just want some advice, that's all. Just someone to tell me what to do.

Someone to tell me to either lay it all out and tell him the 100% truth about what I'm feeling...or someone to tell me to just let the feelings pass by and not say a word.

Writing it down makes it a lot more obvious what I should do, but there's something in my head preventing me from telling him.

Probably the fact that I KNOW he'd just call me a 'headfuck' again. 

I wish he'd tell the truth to me, because I know he's not telling me everything. 

I know him too well.

Blah. Bye!

x

DAY 2.

Second day of actually DAILY blogging, even if I do do it in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

Atleast it's writing, and it's more than I can say for 99.9% of my classmates at uni are doing. When people/students say they want to write, they want to be writers...why don't they do this?

It's writing isn't it?

It's just not 'real' writing. When really, it should be classed as 'real'.

It's satisfying pressing the 'publish post' button. As if you've just accomplished something, as if you've just written an article and it's just been published.

What a feeling that must be.

So uni seems to be the wrong path for me at the moment, and I'd love to be discovered for doing something that I love out of the blue, without having the work hard for it. Which is a silly concept - but it most definitely happens.

However, I don't seem to have anything that I love to do.

I love to write, but only, it seems, about myself. And my pathetic problems.

Maybe there's a career out there for me where I can incorporate these 'skills'!? Ha!

Watched The Social Network tonight, it really is worth watching, I figured I should watch it when it kept receiving all of those Golden Globes! So tonight, I did just that. It's so interesting to watch a movie and actually LEARN something  new. How Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook and how it's grown in such little time. It's astounding and actually beautiful to watch (mainly because of Andrew Garfield! -- yes, the new Spiderman.) I'm a tad obsessed with him already.

But what's weird about the film is as soon as I finished watching it, I logged into Facebook. Which I do every night, but after watching that film I became suddenly very aware of what I was doing. Haha, sounds weird but it's true. Watch it and see if it has the same effect on you!

Yours, A.

I Need Something...

Have you ever had that feeling...longing...for something...but you don't actually know what that something is?

Because right now, I need something, but the thing is, I think I know what it is. Even though it's not good for me.

I'm having trouble placing my life into perspective here.

And it's hard to think about anything but my messy life.

I feel like a proper old crone, sat in my room at home, listening to Michael Buble and feeling completely broken.

It's an odd feeling that I'm coming to experience way too many times for my liking.

I've realised that I havn't kept my promise of daily blogging, I'm ridiculous.

But I suppose I've got nothing keeping me here...no readers...? Ha.

But needless to say it's still here when I need to write, and right now...I need to write. No idea what but oh well.

Have you ever felt content in your life? I hate the word CONTENT.

Why would you want to feel 'content'? Surely you want to be more than content. Content says to me that a person is just plodding along...content, happy, yes. But not overjoyed, satisfyed and amazing. I'd rather feel the latter.

I'd rather feel how I feel right now instead of 'content'. Because content is realising there's something missing to make your life that extra bit 'content' I'd rather it was amazing.

I'm definitely waffling and have probably just broken the record for how many times someone can say 'content' in a blogpost.

So I came home from uni last night. Feeling completley deflated and like I don't even want to be there anymore. I know some people will say something like 'everyone has days like those' but surely 'those days' shouldn't come around as often as they have for me?

I need that driving focus to keep me there, because right now, nothing is there. Nothing is making me want to go back there on Sunday evening, and I feel bad for saying it because I've met so many amazing people there. I just can't help constantly thinking it's not for me.

I wonder if I'd actually been productive in my gap year, things would be different now?

There's one person I want to talk to about all of this, just so I can get his reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, then that would be the driving force keeping me focused and where I should be.

But no, I feel like I can't speak to him, and it's ridiculous.

If you feel like you love someone, even if it's over, do you think it's right to tell them how you're feeling? Even if it does give him a 'headfuck'. I'm sat here thinking about him every day. And I can't say anything. Surely that's the bigger headfuck.

Urgh.

What I'm watching...

Just seen this post on Fearne Cotton's blog, so thought I'd give it a whirl because I havn't blogged in a while, and I said I would. Anddd now I feel bad haha.

Recently I've been watching...a lot of stuff actually.
TV is actually so good at the moment, it's probably the media trying to make us all feel better about ourselves in this bleak months!

So what I'll do is write about each night of the week (if there is anything on each day)

Mondays - Mondays are taken over by amazing TV at the moment, but it's also the most amazing night to go out at uni. So I've sky-plussed it all at home as to make sure I don't miss anything haha! First is Glee, an instant classic I don't think I will ever fall out of love with. Secondly is One Born Every Minute. I absolutely love it, even if it does make me wince and turn away. The midwifes are incredible, and even if I am looking away at the birth part, as soon as the baby is out, I have tears in my eyes. It's amazing!

Third is Tool Academy, and I know a lot of people have been watching this. It's great seeing men getting their commupence for being absolute knobs! I think we can all appreciate the light banter, but that bald one (can't remember his dick 'ed name) just went yards past the line. I think it's safe to say we all sat there with our hands over our mouths when his girlfriend had to find out he had kissed another girl just a few weeks before. It just makes you think, who the hell CAN you trust?! Nevertheless, such an entertaining show, even if Rick Edwards' commentary makes me cringe beyond belief. 

Another show on on a Monday night (I know it's ridiculous how they don't spread all of these across the week, they are ALL something to do with Channel 4) is Alan Carr's Chatty Man. This man is an absolute legend in his own right and sooo funny. I could watch him all day, his interview with Adele last week was especially hilarious. Love him.

Tuesdays - Tuesday is the night of slobbing, being slightly hungover and feeling sooo much better about yourself when you flick on 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' it's cringey, ugly, and hilarious at the same time. When you think it can't get any worse than the first series the producers have now included christenings, holy communions and interviewing the younger community. There is no denying that gypsies morals are sky high, but seriously, you wouldn't think it with the way they dress and dance? I mean there were little girls of about 6 years old grinding around the dancefloor like they've had one too many Breezers and fancy a quickie round the bike sheds!  That's probably the wrong thing to say but you're all thinking it haha. Cringe cringe cringe, but such good TV. PS. Auntie Gok is BACK!!!

Wednesdays - Weeellll mid week television is shite, this is why I think they should be spreading all the good TV across the week rather than keeping it all on one production team at the same time. Silly! But this week I came home from uni on Wednesday and Mum had Moulin Rouge on, such an amazing film by Baz Luhrman. God knows how many times I've watched it as I started reciting the whole script and all of the songs haha. But I couldn't help it, it's a beauuuutiful film. And Ewan McGregor just makes it.

Thursdays - Louie Spence's Show Business, need I say any more? He's amazing. So funny with his infamous lisp and prancing about. Just such good entertainment.

Fridays - If I'm at home, there's usually a new film on Anytime on Sky on a friday night so I'll snuggle down and watch that, like for instance I fancy watching Invictus at the moment. Otherwise if I'm at uni, I'm always out on a friday night, the TV isn't anything to be desired so I don't need to record anything. However, whilst I was at home this past Friday night, I decided to watch The Million Pound Drop, and it is soooo intense! Love Davina as well so that was just a bonus but it's a great show and you can even play along online.

Saturdays - The weekend is all about being lazy, having a stinking hangover and eating as much crap food as you possibly can. Our tradition at uni is to get a chinese in time for Take Me Out to come on, Paddy McGuiness is brilliant and it's such a good show. Although it still doesn't rate as well as Blind Date in my eyes, bring back Cilla!!

Sundays - Finally, sundays are actually beginning to become and amazing time for TV (for me maybe haha) It's just annoying that these two shows are on at the same time. The first is 'Got to Dance' I hope a lot more other people have been watching this series too, I caught a few episodes from the last series but this time I've been hooked! Some of the dancers are just incredible, and it has to be said, this show must have THE most attractive judging panel I have ever seen. Kimberly Wyatt, Adam Garcia and the GORGEOUS Ashley Banjo. Absolutely love him. He's sooo lovely and gorgeous and charming. So there you go, my new crush revealed. Haha. The second show is 'Dancing on Ice' so cheesy with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby presenting but it is just amazing - especially when they get just one really good skater amongst the celebrities, my favourite this year is Sam. I didn't even know who he was but his skating is impeccable for only the third week! He reminds me of celebrities from previous series of DOI like Ray Quinn and Chris Fountain. Just someone you could watch ALL day long. Haha!

So there you have it, I wasn't expecting this blog post to be so long but oh well.

x

Echo...

Haha my last post is so dark, please ignore it and let's move on.

I must have been in a bit of a dark place that night, I assure you that that is oooooooover.

Just had a slap in the face and felt sick for a couple of minutes and then I was like...I must blog.

Haha, weird feeling that. And weird that I actually went with my feelings for once and here I am, blogging. 

So yeah the thing was music man is going on a date on wednesday, and he felt the need to tell me. I'm not sure why? Maybe you could answer that for me.

But yeah all I said was 'cool'...what is he expecting? Bloody weird.

It's okay. 

It just made me feel sick for the best part of 2 minutes. 

And also made me want to write, so maybe it's a good thing? I have absolutely no idea...that's why I'm babbling. 

Sooo today has been so boring. I'm driving myself mad still being at home and still have a few more weeks.

I'll survive I'm sure.

So funny today, my cousin and her daughter came round to pick something up and her daughter, I'll call her princessface. Haha, because she really is a princess.

And well, princessface had decided to cut her own hair (she's 4).

So funny, I didn't even realise it at first because she has really curly hair, like ringlets, and it was just slightly shorter at the front. So when I asked her why she did it, she told me it was because she liked it shorter haha. 

Her mum (my cousin) an absolute nutter, was distraught haha. Could not stop laughing - bless her.  <3

It reminded me of when I was younger with one of my mum's friend's daughters. We decided to cut each other's hair. We were a right state, needless to say our mother's adored us for it. Naturally. Haha.

We got talking about old movies too, like movies you used to adore as a little girl.

Mine was always Curly Sue. I used to cry at the end and want to watch it again straight after it had ended. 

Still love it to this day. If you havn't seen it - do it now.

This mindless blogged has helped me to take my mind off music man.

Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu blogger. 

x

The Scientist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WecwpAwMPIw&feature=related

It's 3:41am...

& I can't sleep, at all. I'm giving myself a headache, and getting disgusting skin because I'm so sleep deprived.

Still can't seem to sleep though. Not until a ridiculous hour, and then I waste half the day. And for the other half of the day I feel like shit.

All because I'm led here, staring at my screen and Music Man's online.

And I can't bring myself to even speak to him.

But all I can do is think about him.

And I want to tell him everything, anything. Just to talk to him.

Now I feel sick.

Night.

x

Run...

I'm laughing at myself, thought I had 1 follower, then just realised it was myself. GREEEAAAT. ;)

Anyway, this is what I'm listening to right now; http://www.youtube.com/user/getmered#p/u/0/1vO2ex8AMuM

She is amazing, but hasn't done any recent youtube videos, sob sob. But oh well, hopefully soon.

I'm being good today, blogging n' all! Shay Carl will remind me to blog every day...because I watch his videos everyday haha. He just recieved his Christmas bonus from youtube...a macbook air. How amazing is that? I'm tres jealous.

What a lucky lucky man.

Do you think it's fair that the music man has officially ended it with me but still proceeds to talk to me as if we are still 'together?' I don't get it. He's a headfuck, but I'm trying my hardest to ignore it.

Anyway, enough of him.

My best friend saw this guy I used to be really good friends with in town today. That's a complicated sentence to understand.

He was basically one of my best guy-mates but I didn't see him very often...I'll call him Pokeman. ;) See what I did there? Yeah he likes pokemon, that's why. 

He used to go to university near where I live and I met him a few times for drinks and lunch but nothing came of it, we were just really good friends. The kind of friends that tell anything to each other and trust each other with anything. I was pretty lucky to have him, I thought. 

But anyway, I'll try and cut this short because it's a horrid story, but it started when he got kicked out of uni in his second year for bad results, so had to move back home to Lincolnshire. 

He then got a girlfriend in Bath so came to visit occasionally but I could never see him.

His girlfriend then became aware of our friendship and was really wary of me. She seemed a bit crazy if you ask me...but I'm not on the right side of her to see what she is really like if you see what I mean. 

She prevented him from speaking to me, he even deleted me from Facebook. But I didn't notice this for a while, when I did I asked him all about it and he told me the truth. I was soo gutted. But he said he missed me and we could just chat without her knowing. 

But I still felt odd about it.

Then whilst I was at uni he arranged to come and see me after he had seen her in Bath. I didn't say no because after all, I did want to see him! 

I just felt a bit bad because his girlfriend had absolutely no idea.

But anyway, he came, and it was really amazing to see him again and to catch up properly. Although he was telling me odd things about how he thought him and his girlfriend were close to breaking up etc. 

Stupidly, we got a bit drunk but then he had to catch his train so it was a slight relief.

(I've just realised I can't tell a story and make it short, useless! Ah well)

ANYYYWAYYY.

He was drunk, I was sliiightly tipsy and he kept hugging me and holding my hand. I didn't mind, I just thought it was friendly. Until he tried to kiss me. I very nearly went to kiss him back but didn't. I had the instant thought of his girlfriend (who already obviously hated my guts) and couldn't do it, and couldn't let him do it, because I knew he would regret it. 

So I stopped him, but it was okay, it wasn't awkward and he left after giving me a kiss on the head.

To be honest, I was happy for him to go and felt relieved nothing had happened.

That night there was a bit of trouble with trains and he missed his one home so had to stay over mine the night but that's just a small minor detail, nothing happened, he slept on my floor and left as soon as he woke up. It was slightly odd. 

Anyway, after his girlfriend not knowing anything, she read his twitter for the first time. And found out he had come to visit me, and had written he loved me etc (nothing serious, just friendly). 

She took it the completely wrong way (apparently) and had a go at him. But in the end gave in and said it was okay...suppose she was scared of losing him? I don't know.

But eventually it came down to me being home at the same time he was visiting his girlfriend for her birthday.

I was going out for my friend's birthday in the same town he was going out.

He found out I was going out and told me that he was too. I got excited that I'd be able to see him until he told me he would 'probably have to ignore me' if he saw me out because he would be with his girlfriend.

I was so gutted, I had a full on strop and screamed/texted him how I felt about it all. That it was shit basically. Shit that he had to 'ignore' me because of his screwed up jealous girlfriend. 

& shit that he would even think of doing that to me.

So after that, we didn't speak and still havn't spoken. And that was in July.

A few weeks after I had an email from his girlfriend, I couldn't believe the cheek of it...

It was her basically asking me if me and Pokeman had ever been more than just good friends. She had already asked him and he had told her the truth but she still had to ask me. I couldn't believe it, I felt sick when I read it but didn't reply. I was not going to give her the satisfaction. 

About 5 minutes later I recieved another email saying that the previous email had been a mistake and to just ignore it.

How the hell could I ignore something like that?

I was fuming, and so tempted to tell him what she had sent me. But I didn't.

I just left it, and that's the last I heard from them. 

It's ridiculous.

Their relationship is ridiculous if she is that insecure.

Also, ever since she started reading his twitter, in every tweet he'll say he loves her. It's pathetic. 

Never have the words 'man up' been more appropriate. 

There you go, another pointless story. 

x

I'd Like To Get To Know You Baby...

Merry Christmas...no one :) 

I still love writing this even though no one is reading it, although it would be nice to have a few anon readers who don't know me and vice versa. But the difficult thing is, I have absolutely no idea how to 'advertise' my blog to get some interest in what I am writing.

I'm not sure if it would be appreciated by any one or offer any one some comfort or empathisism. 

(If that's a word) 

I'm at home for Christmas at the moment and going completely insane. I havn't got a job over the holidays and havn't been able to get any where because of the snow and seeing family so cabin fever is kicking in!

I thought maybe writing on this every day from now on can be my small release from the house and the family secretly driving me crazy. You know what I mean!

I've been keeping myself busy with Grey's Anatomy and plenty of films. But Grey's is my main release.

It's amazing how emotionally involved you can become by just watching a television programme. I was the same with Brothers and Sisters. It's very odd. But if you watch it, you will probably know what I mean.

It's a huuuuge emotional rollarcoaster and I absolutely looooove it. I fully recommend it, I've been watching it from the first series online for like a year haha! But it's so worth it. I'm on the 6th series and watch atleast 2 episodes every night. Sad I know! But oh well, it's my love. 

So New Years is coming up and I'm thinking of New Years resolutions...

My number one resolution would obviously be blogging my often, maybe every day!

I've been watching a vlog by Shay Carl and 'The Shaytards' and it's so amazing and hooks you immediately, and he finds time in his day to film him and his family and upload it to youtube for his followers. So I'm thinking it must be even easier to write a few paragraphs every day and upload it for no one ;). So I will try my hardest!

Another resolution is to lose weight, I think I secretly promise myself this every single year, and never keep my own promise. So this year, I will share my weight loss on this blog. Just so I can see myself how far I can actually get and try to succeed! We'll see... fingers crossed.

Another resolution is to take my university work more seriously. I havn't been pushing myself and trying hard enough to succeed to get the grades that I need to move into the 3rd year of my degree. So I pledge to push myself harder and get the grade I deserve. 

Now this last one is odd, and I've been leaning more towards it over the past few weeks, and it's to find somebody to love. I even feel like a prick typing it, but I feel like I really need someone in my life that isn't a friend or family member. I need someone special in my life that I can tell absolutely anything to, and someone that I want to spend every waking minute with. It's odd to try and make a promise to myself that I will find somebody. Because obviously you can't push yourself to find that one person. But I want to atleast put myself out there to try and meet somebody that could potentially be important to me. It's also hard to think about because I'm one of those people that think's there is somebody out there for everybody, and everyone will eventually meet 'The One'. But I want this year to be my year. And I want to look back on this blog and believe I achieved everything I set out to do. Even if some of them don't go to plan.

So I guess we will see what 2011 will bring... 

x

Music Man...

So it's been another stupid amount of time since I've blogged...again...I'm really shit at this hah.

But here we go again. I thought of a name for the guy I described in my last blog, Music Man.

So if he's ever mentioned again (which I'm sure he will be) he will be called Music Man, so you (no one) will know who the hell I am talking about.

When other 'characters' come into my blogs I will also give them fake nick names to relate to them rather than using their real names.

Just so there's a tiny bit of mystery as to who I am and who I am actually talking about, even if it is all real.

x

To Lose My Life

Weird that this song is playing just as I am about to post to blogger...it's a song that will always always allllways remind me of someone, well, a guy. A really special guy. That I've actually never met, which is still weird to say.

He's probably one of the few people that actually mean the world to me. Our whole relationship has been a massive rollercoaster... 

We started talking on myspace (can you believe it) a few years back, and I didn't think anything of it at the time...because...well, because it was myspace of course! Hah. 

At first, it was amazing and we spoke ALL the time, and I mean all the time, online, texting and then I would be the one to call him nearly every single night, and we'd just talk for hours and never run out of anything to say, and maybe the odd moment when we'd go quiet, he'd start to play guitar, and I honestly could of listened to it for hours.

I hate writing in past tense about guys, it's so depressing and unmeaningful, if thats even a word!

So yesss...where was I?

We spoke for hours and hours, day after day, and never got bored of each other. It seemed too good to be true seeing as he only lived 20 minutes down the road, and I could of gone to see him whenever I liked.

So, one day, we arranged to meet. I'm not going to lie here, I was terrified.

I've met a few guys from the internet and actually had relationships with them (back in the myspace emo days) but this seemed to mean more, and seemed to make more sense than ever before, and that scared the living crap out of me.

The problem was I was really falling for this guy, and he was telling me that he had fallen for me.

And here's me, being so stupid, and doing something that I would always go on to regret.

For a couple of weeks we were set on meeting up in Swindon (where he lived) and everytime we spoke about it I got more and more excited, but as soon as it drew closer I started to become nervous, and anxious about everything.

Going round in my head were thoughts of; he's not going to like me in person, I'm not going to like him, it's not going to be the same as it has been over the phone or online, what if he doesn't turn up? What if he DOES genuinely like me? The last thought was probably the scariest. And I still have no idea why.

It's a weird concept in my mind that a guy would ever like me, and would ever want to be with me.

Don't get me wrong, I've had boyfriends before, but they've never meant as much as I think they should...if you see what I mean?

So you're with me?

I was petrified basically.

And me, being me, I followed my head instead of my heart and told him I couldn't meet up with him, I made up some wretched excuse and apologised prefusely and in the end he gave up trying to convince me. 

Wow that was long-winded.

Even though I did bail on him, he still kept in contact with me...and we spoke everyday, nothing changed. Then came around when he asked me to meet again. And I dreaded it, because I still had the same feelings in my head. And I couldn't ever just admit my feelings to him, even though by this time, I had told a guy I'd never met that I loved him, and I meant it.

I said I would meet him again, god knows why, it was a stupid idea. Because, yet again, I didn't go through with it, I felt sick to my stomach with what I was doing to him. He was so hurt and upset and this time I knew I had fucked everything up. He wasn't going to budge and I couldn't prove myself to him. He needed the truth and I still couldn't give it to him, so I had to make something else up to provide an excuse for him... 

He couldn't take anymore, and I knew exactly why, I would of been exactly the same. 

A few weeks past and we didn't speak, I felt so lost without him, like a piece of me was missing, that sounds incredibly cheesy but it's true, and I'd admit that part.

It was during the summer, and all I saw all over his facebook was that he was going out, getting wasted, and doing nothing else. With Reading festival coming up, I was really worried..when one night, (at Reading) I had a text from him, telling me he would always love me. When the weekend was over I plucked up the courage to call him and try to talk. He spoke, but he was in another world, he told me about how he had been to loads of house parties, got completely wrecked, tryed cocaine, and just sat there...swaying. I was so shocked, he had never really spoken to me about him using drugs or even drinking that much. So when he told me I couldn't even speak. But when I could, I basically screamed down the phone, telling him off.

I was so scared he was going to do it again, he apologised and said it was everything with us that drove him to it. I still don't believe him. 

After another few weeks of talking constantly again, he seemed to be back to his normal, sane self. And we were enjoying eachothers chats again. Then we decided to meet, and this time I was ready. I wasn't going to fuck everything up for us again. He had told me this was our last chance. I was detirmined to meet him, and see what we had with each other. Only this time, there was a real emergency and I couldn't make it.

Obviously, for him, it was like the boy that cried fox. 

I was heartbroken, and inconsolable that I couldn't meet him, and trying to explain to him was impossible. He had no idea what was really going on and couldn't take my word for it. So once again we were back to that dark place.

All I can really remember after that, was him getting the sack from his job, going on the dol, being severely depressed, then deciding to move to Norfolk with his Mum. I was gutted. Even though we weren't speaking, and he had deleted my facebook, my number, everything. I still checked on his facebook every so often. I told him I deleted his number too, but I didn't.

Then another detail I remember is him seeing some girl called Katie. It makes me feel sick even talking about it now, this is when he decided to add me back to facebook.

Told me he never loved me, and just said it because he felt like he should say it back. When I corrected him and told him he was the first to say 'I love you.'

I'd never felt so low, his words were soooo cutting, and I didn't think I felt anything for him anymore. 

Not so much, until I knew about Katie.

I was heartbroken...that's all there is to it.

If he spoke to me on facebook I knew he would try and get Katie into the conversation somehow, just to make me feel more shit than I did already. He was spiteful like that, and it was humiliating.

A few months passed by and it carried on, but I just decided to ignore it and get on with Uni. 

After not hearing from him for a while, he popped up on facebook chat and decided to tell me he missed me.

The words I'd been wanting to hear for months...but decided not to take it to heart and be as cold with him as he was to me.

But...I'll just say he's always going to have a place in my heart and we went back to the way we used to.

Now, however, after everything, he's settled in Norfolk, in a band, at college, and loving it.

And I couldn't be happier for him, but we seem to have run out of things to say. 

It's horrendous even thinking about not having him in my life, even if he is an arrogant, miserable prick most of the time. 

I love him, and sometimes you just can't help who you fall for. 

Right now, we're 'on a break'...his decision, but my only words were...'why are we on a break? we hardly speak anyway'

I guess we both need to figure out what we want.

But I still want to meet him, and get to know the real Music Man.

x

Your Song

Blargh.

One word for how I'm feeling, blargh because I said I would try and write in this blog everyday. Something to keep me going, and something I could actually complete every day.

And I can't even do that?!

I can't even take the time out of my (not so) busy lifestyle so sit at my laptop and write shit about what has happened to me in the last 24 hours, hah. Really...fuck my life.

Blargh because I'm at home for the weekend from Uni and don't want to go back.

Blargh because uni is starting to hack me off.

Blargh because my housemates are starting to hack me off.

Thank god no one reads these because no one actually knows any of this. ha.

Is it bad that I feel like I can't talk to any one about this? I had a drunken heart to heart with my housemate but he doesn't get it. I blubbed for hours, probably because I was fucked. But it doesn't matter, because the truth came out, and that was that. Nothing happened, nothing changed.

The only time I love uni is when I go out...or when I'm with the people that aren't my housemates, weird huh?

When it's just us 5 in our house, they annoy me. And I feel like I need to go and sit in my room, on my own and just chillax incase I shout at one of them for being annoying.

Ughhh, everything is coming out now hah.

I've come home the last couple of weekends because of all of it, I've made up excuses to come back like I said I would go to see Harry Potter with my cousin this weekend, which I did...but still...I think I  would have come home anyway, just to get away from it all.

Apparently this is the time of year that students either decide to stay or leave university. And I am inconsolably torn, I never thought it would happen to me. When I'm there, I love it. But sometimes there are obvious tensions and I really cannot be bothered with it. I also have times where I think that I can't cope with the workload, and it's really not for me. But what can I do?

I'm going to stick it out. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my Mum I'm having troubles...let alone tell her that I think I'm going to drop out. She'd be heartbroken. She loves gloating to her friends that I'm at university and I fend for my funds and everything myself etc. Which, I'm not gonna lie, I really love! And I'd miss my Mum and Dad being proud of me. It's a really nice feeling, it would be for anyone.

It's just coming home feels amazing right now, probably because this term is so long, and you don't get a break from anything. Also working with about 328947394 different groups for different modules is so draining and confusing sometimes.

I sound like such a bloody moaner.

And I hate that, probably why I'm moaning here instead of actually to people's faces.

It feels better to type it all out though, bit of a weight off my shoulders knowing I'm actually coming face-to-face with what I'm feeling rather than trying to hide it ALL the time.

I'm so set on Christmas right now, that's all I'm aiming for, waiting to finish this term in a few weeks and come home for an amazing Christmas with the family.

PERRRFECT.

But until then I'm just going to struggle through, because that's what you do when you have a problem isn't it?

You power through, and carry on.

'Keep Calm & Carry On'

Maybe I should just remember that quote from now on and it will get me through til the end of this year.

Thankyou blogger for letting me vent.

Shine A Light

Not written for a while, not been around really, had work monday-wednesday...was going to pack everything for uni in between my shifts but my immune system decided to fail so I spent the time I had not at work, in bed. Exciting stuff. But then on thursday I manned up and went to cheltenham for a messy night out with my best friend and her uni mates. Got back today (saturday) and am about to get ready for my other best friend's 21st birthday partttyy. Bit excited to say the least, wish everyone else was as 'up for it' as I am...b'ah well. We'll see what happens won't we :) 

I hope I'm not the only one that may as well get battered. Seeing as tomorrow I am packing my whole bedroom up and moving back down to Winch (excited much??!?!)

Havn't packed a thing and I'm going tomorrow, what a failure. Oh well, will be a fun day...

Can't wait to celebrate tonight with some fizz, making some shapes and cry laughing :) I can expect that.

Happy Birthday my darling Beth (even though you won't read this)

x

Hummingbird Heartbeat

Just on another 3 hour break from work until I go back tonight, completely buzzing because I only have 3 DAYS LEFTTTT. Cannot wait to finish there and go on a well-earned bender in Cheltenham...should be good!

Had an hilarious family eating lunch today in the pub, so chavvy, one of them was wearing his Man U shirt to lunch with such pride. He proceeded to answer his phone every 10 minutes with his mate telling him the football score.

Couldn't help but chuckle to myself watching his Mum rolling her eyes at him everytime he shouted down the phone and then annouced the score to the table.

Bless them.

You see some of the funniest things working in catering...so many little things people say make me laugh. For example there was an older couiple today, having lunch, and having a chat about the night before, the blokey was convinced they had a late night. Saying 'it were about 10 o clock when I fell asleep with the lights on! can't believe i lasted that long, good enit?' along with his really strong wiltshire accent, it just sounded hilarious, when his wife was just full of enthusiasm, 'mm, yeah...eat your dinner!' ahahah. So funny.

If you ask any one of my friends you'll know that I have a weird thing about old people, I absolutely LOVE them. They're lovely, and nutty, and angry at everything!

Every one of them is different, they're either the loveliest person like you'll ever meet and treat you like you are their grandchild. Or babbling to pidgeons on the street. Or just so angry at everything they can't even crack a smile. I love them all. :) My favourite kind are old couples that are still so in love, still holding hands after god knows how many years, I hope I'm like that when I'm old and decrepid.

 

 

x

Look For Me

OH ANDDD, yesterday my cousin came to stay...he's in the army and is based in Germany, but is on a course in Warminster at the moment so he's staying here at the weekends. Always nice to have him back, he's like an older brother to me, and best mates with my younger brother, so it's nice that Liam can spend some time with him.

Anyhoo, he told me (after about 10 minutes of being with him) that his fiance is 12 weeks late! (period duh!) Usually I'd be shitting myself for him, but I was geniunely happy and excited at the prospect of him becoming a Dad...he'd make an amazing Dad, and he really wants kids! So I hope it works out...

Also, he told me that if they are to have children, Nick is to pick the Godmother and Trisha, his fiance, is to pick the Godfather. So he told me that I would be his first choice Godmother. I nearly welled up, but kept it together, punched him in the arm and told him that it was amazing!

Who was I kidding? I was over the moon!

x

Dangerously In Love

I always wonder why people would ever want to talk to me on msn/facebook....my responses are mostly just one word and lol or haha. or a smiley face. I literally don't have anything interesting to say unless it's on the phone or face-to-face. Unless I'm talking to Jen...we could talk for hours on the net....only because we rip the piss into any one we come across...or we reminise A LOT. Going through old comments on myspace is my absolute favourite thing to do when I'm bored, so hilarious how we all used to emos, then chavs, then somehow normal?!

Well I say normal...piss-head students. :)

I'm talking to this guy right this second, and he proceeds to tell me all about his day, not asking me a single question...this makes me even more quiet and 'cba'ish! That's the only way I can describe it to be honest. But he'll just carry on even I'm just saying 'okay' or 'yeah' or 'lol'. Idiot!

Anyhoo enough of venting to no one.

Just on my 3 hour break from work...working all weekend is making me want to jab something into my hand so that I don't actually have to do it. It's rank, and Cheffy Jim isn't there for a bit of bant. Ughhhh.

God I moan a lot, ah well. So does everybody else.

I ordered a dress the other day, and immediately felt guilty...that's what being a student does to  you. Money is like gold dust, and should be saved for drinking. Not dresses. But I thought I'd buy a new'un for my best friend Beth's 21st in a week. £40.00...but it's okay because I made that back in tips this week. That's the bonus of having a pub/restaurant job I suppose!

So next week, I'm supposed to squeeze; working, last night out with work lot, a few days in Cheltenham, packing and heading back to Winchester...not sure how I'm going to manage...should of finished work this week to be honest! But oh well, should be a hellllaaa fun week

x

Say You Don't Want It

Just thought I'd write a quickie whilst my nails are drying...Blueberry by Barry M is beauuutiful, my go-to at the moment. Enough of my jibber jabber. I have the worst headache ever, didn't sleep much and my little head was thinking way to hard and fast for my liking...it still is! Muddle muddle.

But it's okay, I have my best headache cure coming my way today, get to see my bitches! (Jenny & Mouse)

Isn't it funny how one little phonecall...I say little (two hours...) can change your mind about someone. And fuck your head up beyond belief? :)

Light note to leave you with! 

x

Black & Gold

I have a feeling this blog is just me rambling like an insane old lady remembering the 'good times' so I'll mix it up a bit and tell you a bit about yesterday and todayyy. 

So yesterday, it was vileee weather, so I decided to just have a dvd day with Smithy (my pooch...our pets are named after characters on Gavin & Stacey haha) 

We watched The Boat That Rocked, which has theee most amazing soundtrack ever, and the best cast! Such a good movie, and I realised that Tom from Mcfly's girlfriend Giovanna Falcone is in it! (If you havn't already guessed I'm a huge mcfly fan!)

Theeen I put on The Notebook, I swear I loaned it to someone ages ago and never had it back, that or, I can't find it in my shit pit I call a bedroom :). Such a good feel-good romantic movie, and probably a go-to for soooo many of us girls on a rainy day! 

Next was Nights In Rodanthe which I'd never seen before and reaaally wanted to see ages ago after seeing the trailer. It really didn't disappoint, it was suuuch a lovely movie, but had an unexpected sad ending which put a dampner on things! But seriously, older man; Richard Gere...phwoar! I don't know what it is, I think it's all the films he has been in just makes him irresistable to all women! Definitely a silver fox...once you get to know me, you'll find out I'm pretty much obsessed with men...HA. And I lust over sooo many celebrities!

I had work, which you already know about...so I won't bore you with that, then on the way home from work I had a cheeky fag and phoned my friend Liam...well I say friend, but we're always a bit more than that...he's a lovely guy, with the temperament of a bull. Which if I'm honest, puts me off him a lot. But you know how girls say there is always that one guy that you go back to and that you always compare other guys with...he's like that. Well actually I have two guys like that, but he's always the one I go back to, and the one I can vent to and share anything with, I fell for him, he fell for me, we broke each other's hearts probably more than once, but we still end up telling each other we love each other in the end. At the moment it's a lovely relationship to have but at times it can be really straining. We're not together but at times he can get really jealous and pushes me away without realising it. But he is beginning to realise what he's doing and it isn't so often any more and he is a lot more chilled. It's just nice to have a guy there for support whenever I need him, he's there for me a lot and I appreciate it so much. 

Aftttter, I came home and watched 'This is England '86' - probably one of my favourites on television at the moment...joint with The Inbetweeners of course. The movie of This is England was a bit despressing and violent but this series is a lot more light-hearted, funny and endearing. It actually makes me want to go back to the 80's! The fashion, music and lifestyles are hilarious and outrageous! I love itttt.

& last night I started this horrideous blogging that has got me hooked, and no one's even reading it... :)

x

Pearl

Wow, very long blogpost, probably bored you half to death but that was the majority of my summer, great huh?

And now you know why I want to go back to uni so much, when I say it to my mum she looks at me as if to say 'Oh whyyyy?' :( but it has nothing to do with home or the fam...it's just to do with getting away from my shitty job haha. She should know that, I vent most with her!

Another amazing part of this summer has to be my best friends, they complete me, literally! If I didn't see any of them atleast once a week I'd go insane. 

Atleast once a week, or at a stretch two weeks, we have got together and had a few too many tipples.

They make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets and I love them very very very much.

Jenny is my best of best friends, we're so similar it's scary sometimes, like we can finish each others sentences and know how each other are going to react to different things. 

Our facebook wall-to-wall is full of links to things we both adore, for example, men, mcfly, cute photos and videos etc...and also full of private jokes and quotes from nights we've got drunk and acted insania. 

It's so lovely having best friends that you can just be yourself around and never have to watch what you're saying. Our sense of humour is identical and we know how to make each other rofl even just chatting on the internet or texting! We're soooo odd, but it suits us well haha. We've nearly known each other for like 10 years...when we hit that date we're going to have an anniversairy party ;)!

Other bestest friend is Mouse, we became good friends in year 11 and throughout sixth form when there was a little group of us. Our group consisted of; me, Jen, Mouse, Fi, Beth and Jess...and a lesbian that followed sometimes. We used to cause havoc in the common room and skip lessons we didn't fancy going to. 

'The Alley' is my favourite past time, this is where we'd go and smoke our lungs out between lessons and even during ones we're supposed to be in...one of our English teachers even used to come and join us. We spurred each other on with smoking I think because we all did it, we all just carried on. 

And it was when we'd all get together at lunch and have a good laugh about something.

In the summer we used to go and lie on the field by the skate park just a bit further away from the school, skip the rest of our lessons for the day, get lunch, smoke, chat, and laugh about the most random things you could ever think of.

Our group were sort of in between the 'greebs' and the 'chavs' ahaha, that's what we like to think anyways. Inbetweeners if you please. 

Beth was the first of us all to pass her driving test and had a turqouise coloured little micra, it was heaven for us, we used to skip lessons, and go to subway, maccie d's, sainsbury's or pizza hut! Definitely had a blast in sixth form haha, we never really used to work very hard...and were always the ones getting screamed at by our head-of-years, Bolter and Kingan...giggling behind our books, I've never had so much fun!

We piled about 7 of us once in Beth's little car and managed to go to Chips n Ham and back without any injuries, we used to SCREAM, and I mean screeeeeam 'My Heart will go on' out of Beth's windows to passers by. So so so funny, we all reminiscse about it now! 

I used to cry with laughter every single day in sixth form. And whenever we get together now we still do, even remembering silly little things!

I like entertaining myself by remembering silly things

x

Dog Days Are Over

Realllyyy enjoying this blogging malarkey, it's quite nice having something to do with my day other than staring at a blank screen just WAITING to get back to uni, only 11 days left, and counting.

Don't get me wrong, I love home, but it's been the best part of 4 months and full-time work is beginning to grate on me. Who am i kidding 'beginning..' haha!  It's been the worst part about summer, unwanted stress and silly little girls begging for attention off the nearest person. Or should I say girl. Not naming names, I've never hated someone so much in allllll my 20 years haha.

Maybe I should talk you through my not-so-eventful summer...

I finished uni towards the end of June and decided with everyone from uni that we were going to see each other regularly and go to festivals and a week away in Newquay...as you do...none of it happened! The four of us are studying events management but couldn't actually plan anything if we tried. We have some amazing ideas for us to go out and do, but we never actually get round to doing them haha. Useless some might say!

So...we have basically spoken every single day throughout the summer and have organised to book a week in Newquay, but we never actually got around to doing that either so we didn't go, but we say we're going to do it ALL next year ;)! We shall see if our organising skills improve somewhat.

I started working from the beginning of July at the pub I've worked at since I was 14/15. It's an incredibly cushty job, and I'm not the first to admit it, the hours can be a bit shit but when you want a day off here and there, you get it, which is a lot to say for a 30-hrs-a-week kind of job.

The reason it's cushty for me is because it's just around the corner and I get £6 an hour for having a bit of a laugh with some mates!

Well, that's how it started off anyway, I knew everyone from when I was back working there at Easter, and that helped a lot as we all got on. Plus, one of my best mates from the previous times I'd worked there was back full time for good, which was good, as we get on so well and can have a laugh together constantly. So that was an extra bonus!

After a few weeks it started to crumble (not my friendship with this guy, Cheffy Jim, shall we call him?) but the actual working thing.

I work with the most attention-seeking little bitch you could ever meet, using any excuse she could in the books to shed a tear and get ANY ONE to sympathize for her, I'm not going to lie, I fell for it once or twice myself in the beginning until it started to bug me.

How can any one be that selfish? Bringing their horrendous home life into a working situation where everyone just wants to come, work, have a laugh and go home without any attachments.

After a few weeks, she really started to bug me, and a lot of others, it was going around that she was telling a lot of lies and bedding a lot of guys that she shouldn't of. I won't go any further into that but you get the jist I'm sure.

She was living with one of my mates Louise who also worked with us all, and they got a long just fine until the cracks began to show, and Louise started getting as equally pissed off as me at her eratic behaviour, for example, one day she would be your best friend and the next, not say a single word to you. That kind of thing pisses me off no end, complete fake.

So to conclude in her silly little behaviour, one night she was asking constantly to leave early from work, she was tired, I was tired, we were all bloody tired. In the end she had to ask us all if it was okay, I didn't say a word and just walked off so she left any way. After she left me and Louise kicked up a fuss to the other Chef, Nicky. Nicky then decided she let Becky go because Becky was bugging her so much she just wanted her out of her face, which I completely understood. But then annoyances just came to the surface with a lot of people and we would not back down. Later that night I was speaking to Louise on facebook and we were having a complete bitch about what a knob she was etc...couldn't get enough of venting my problems with her, and in the end set a status about how annoyed I was, as did Louise.  Thinking nothing of it, I left it and went to bed, the next day I had a wake up call from Nicky telling me Louise had walked out of work and had quit because the bosses were accusing her of bullying.

They had been on mine and Louise's facebooks and taken what we had said and blown it out of proportion, as soon as I got into work that day, I too got a talking to from the bosses and was fuming. I didn't say a word though, I kept my head down, apologised and went back to work, after all, I was desperate for the money and couldn't give it up, however much I wanted to.

They accused me of being a bully, and said it was obvious to them that this was about a certain member of staff. The day went on and I was getting increasingly annoyed.

Annoying little cretin girl came in and made a fuss by crying in the kitchen, I just kept my back to her and didn't say a word, she obviously knew what we had said. But who can blame us? It was only the truth, and I still don't regret it to this day.

Later that day I was told to have a 'chat' with annoying little cretin girl to 'clear the air' or whatever. We sat down together, I told her some hometruths, she cried, I felt bad, as I always do -- although I know I shouldn't of, which annoyed me further. I told her exactly what I thought of her, and she explained what a hard life she had, which I admit she has had, but to milk it THAT much. It was nothing to do with her 'hard life', it was about HER, and her shitty little attitude towards everyone. That's what pissed me off the most. I don't get on with people that believe they're better than others because they have the sympathy vote. Nasty, but so so so true.

I gave her a hug, and that was that. Although til very recently, we've bared each other and had chats and had a bit of a laugh. But nothing's never the same is it?

I was annoyed that she was the reason Louise didn't have a job (Louise also kicked her out of her house, which was totally understandable, I don't know how she lasted that long with her in her house). And I was annoyed that she was still getting attention for being a little brat. I was, and still am very bitter about what happened.

I've recently been told that my bosses have used evidence from MY facebook page and have sent it to Louise's lawyers to prove we were 'bullying' in the workplace. When the pub or the person were not even mentioned. I wasn't told they were doing this, and still havn't been told, Nicky was the one to tell me all about it and that just pissed me off even further...but I didn't do anything about it. Correct me if I'm wrong but surely they cannot do that and get away with it? It's unjust and invading someone's privacy.

A few weeks later a girl I used to work with YEARS ago has come back to work at the pub, (this is like last week, it's that recent) she's a good mate and I trust her and her judgement. She doesn't like cretin from what she has heard about her and what she knows about her now. She told me cretin has been telling her that she 'doesn't know whether to trust Alex' (me). Charlie (the new but old girl) told me all about it, thank God, and I havn't been able to speak to cretin since. I think if I speak to her I'll actually scream and shout at her, she deserves everything she got from us and I don't regret a thing. Anyday now I'll probably get dragged up to the office and asked why I am not talking to cretin, because she confides to the bosses about us ALL the time. So we end up getting the blame, and they do nothing but stick up for her...UGHHH. So when that time comes, I have 9 days left there, I'm not exactly going to stay!

I think it's safe to say I won't be going back there in the future...however easily accessible it is pour moi!

x